Interpersonal ramblings

How after just a few meager conversations and measly hours of closeness on a couch do I feel so attached?

I miss you.

Thoughts of you creep into every facet of my day. Is it bad that I worry more about seeing you again than I do my work schedule or my grades in school? Is this because I feel strongly for you or is it because I feel strongly for the ideal of being with someone? Is it because deep down I know this life I am building for myself won't make me happy unless I have someone to share it with and therefore not the life I want at all? I do care for you, fiercly. A care that is the sustinance of a twenty-four year old hopeful romantic.

Ever since I was a child I have dreamed of a person like you, someone to settle down with and build a life and a family with. Then when I realized the engrained fiber of my being wasn't the norm, I felt lost for a time. I have adapted my childhood dream and you are as close to it as I have found. The time I spent wrapped in your arms were the most comfortable I have had for a very long time. The moment I answered the door I knew, not that it was love at first sight as that is much to abstract, but that something that I had been looking for but almost given up hope on had just stepped into my life. The person who could steal my breath away, light up a room with their smile, and make my heart skip a week of beats with a word.

I want you to be the eye of the storm that I call my life and want to be that for you. I know this is stupid. I know this is immature. I know these are the ramblings that a reader would equate with someone obsessed or in love for years and not after a few days and hours of blissful being, but this is how I am feeling. And the one thing about myself that I have never turned my back on, even though they have many times lead me astray, are my feelings. So I feel I must write these out on paper to keep them from bursting from my mouth or fingers when we speak next. Which I hope is very soon as I seem to be holding my breath between and fear my heart is beginning to turn blue. I hope these words are not alien to you and that you return them one day.

For You I Will

This is how I feel everytime I ask someone out. That fat kid that kids inside me feels this way anyway... Thanks Teddy Geiger for putting it to a song that I can sing.

Wondering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair
round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will

Forgive me if I stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, i've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echos in every room
I would

That's what I'd do, That's what I'd do to get through to you

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will

Control Sucks

I forgot how much control sucks. Having to keep everything just behind the surface so you won't freak someone out or make them uncomfortable. You'd think that would be fine cause of the whole..being and actor thing. It turns out that is the only time I do like control...even though in most cases..it's not really control..it's being completely out of control. Like crazy out of control..but still in a controlled kind of way. Things are going fine. We are talking again...which is nice. A flirtation here and there..nothing very serious...often nothing reciprocated by me out of fear that it might make them uncomfortable and we will take two steps back to not talking to eachother..other than in short word hi's and bye's. What can I say..I'm an idiot..and I am very attracted to passionate, intelligent, talented, attractive, sweet, honest people. It's a curse..in that totally uncursed way. Anyway. Everythings cool. Later.

Why Do I Do Stupid Things?!

Well..the obvious answer is cause I am stupid. Why the hell would I ask them out? That was just..stupid. They had already told me that they don't date friends. Gee..guess I didn't take that hint. They are leaving soon anyway. I will just control the attraction. Keep it in check...I can do that. Anyway...blog later.

I Love You Doesn't Always Make Things Better

Ok..so how can I make an already strained and uncomfortable situation even more strained and uncomfortable? Well, how about, I Love You? Yeah. That will do it. But it's also a good way to end an uncomfortable conversation quickly I guess. lol. Anyway. Blog later.

Caution: Extreme Dramatics Ahead

Yesterday was just..painful and frustrating. We kept being stuck in the same spot and conversation inevitably occured, then she would walk away or her boat would pull away and I would find myself staring after her, my heart salavating for a taste of what we had. Conversation has resumed what it was before we were dating..except before now after a conversation with her I would wonder if she was intersted and now I know that she's definetly is not interested. And it's wierd how there are a lot of I told you so's floating around right now. I know I am very stubborn, stupid, impulsive when it comes to these things..but apparently I have slective memory as well. I don't remember people telling me to hold off, I remember people telling me "if you are not happy, do what needs to be done." Oh well...not that big of a deal...I will get over it. I am not giving up right away..but I will get over it. And to close...
"I'm sorry for everything I've said,
And for anything I forgot to say too.
These things get so complicated,
I stumble at best and mudddle through.
I wish that our lives could be simple,
I don't want the world, only you.
I wish I could tell you this face to face,
But there's never the time,
Never the place.
So this letter will have to do.
I love you."

Are We Gonna Hug Now?

So Alica came to the show yesterday with Rebecca May in tow. I heard them laugh a couple times..and atleast 4 times during To Each His Dulcinea I found myself starring in their direction telling our story. After the show she came up to me and said, "Very well done Mister Bridges." then there were a few awkward moment and she gave me a hug. When got home last night I got an email from her that said the following.
"Just wanted to reiterate that your performance was lovely this afternoon... not that I expected anything less from you. I hope that your success with this role earns you a chance at future opportunities... you have many gifts, Eric.

Alicia"

It's sad that we went from laughing all the time and about a week away from I Love You's to formal letters to tell eachother we did a good job in something. But believe it or not..I am extremely happy today. Nothing is gonna ruin this mood. I'll blog later.