Me..Unsensored
So..this is a blog where I can type all my...feelings. The things I am trying to move out of my other blog. I am working on it. I miss Alicia..everyone knows I miss her. I know that ending things when I did was the thing to do..because...well..it was. BUT IT WASN'T. The more I say that the more I think it was a cop out cause I was scared. Scared of everything. I really liked..no..present tense..like her. I am almost positive that she has moved on..but that's how things go. I screwed up..cause well..as a screw up that's what I do. I wrote her an email tonight...one that I will most likely never send. I keep aluding to things on the other blog..but not just flat out saying them. I don't know what to do...and that's all I know. Except that I miss her. Here is the letter. Might as well publish it here.
"Alicia,
O.K. have a few things to say and every time I try to say them to you..I freeze up. I am really sorry I screwed everything up. I am a screw-up by nature. I really do care about you. I may have taken ending what we had for me to realize that..but it is true. I have been physically sick for a week...but I have been emotionally sick since December 30th. When we had our conversation that night you asked me why I was sad, I told you it was because I didn't want to hurt you..well that is true, but I think I was more sad because deep down I knew I was doing something I was going to regret. I freaked out. I took the easy road out. I didn't want to disappoint you..I didn't want to end up hurting you more. Yes, things are complicated. Yes, I don't know what I want. Yes, there were things about what we had that annoyed me. The only thing I know now is I miss you. I miss being with you. I miss knowing you are there. I miss our nights huddled in my car. I miss us. I know this is incredibly over dramatic and stupid...but..that's me too. I wasn't going to tell you any of this. I was just going to let wounds heal and watch you go to California in a few months and everything would eventually just..be gone..but I think I care about you too much to not tell you what's going on in my head. I may not even send this email. I don't know. I do know that you have crossed my mind every single day for the past 3 months. I don't know if you've moved on. I think you may have. If you have then I am happy for you. Disregard this email and move on with your life. Things will move on...I'll be fine. I think that is about all there is to say. I will tell you that I am writing this on January 17th at 12:39 a.m. It took me this long to put it down in words.
Sincerely,
Eric"
That's what I am feeling..in a nutshell. And that..post one is done.
"Alicia,
O.K. have a few things to say and every time I try to say them to you..I freeze up. I am really sorry I screwed everything up. I am a screw-up by nature. I really do care about you. I may have taken ending what we had for me to realize that..but it is true. I have been physically sick for a week...but I have been emotionally sick since December 30th. When we had our conversation that night you asked me why I was sad, I told you it was because I didn't want to hurt you..well that is true, but I think I was more sad because deep down I knew I was doing something I was going to regret. I freaked out. I took the easy road out. I didn't want to disappoint you..I didn't want to end up hurting you more. Yes, things are complicated. Yes, I don't know what I want. Yes, there were things about what we had that annoyed me. The only thing I know now is I miss you. I miss being with you. I miss knowing you are there. I miss our nights huddled in my car. I miss us. I know this is incredibly over dramatic and stupid...but..that's me too. I wasn't going to tell you any of this. I was just going to let wounds heal and watch you go to California in a few months and everything would eventually just..be gone..but I think I care about you too much to not tell you what's going on in my head. I may not even send this email. I don't know. I do know that you have crossed my mind every single day for the past 3 months. I don't know if you've moved on. I think you may have. If you have then I am happy for you. Disregard this email and move on with your life. Things will move on...I'll be fine. I think that is about all there is to say. I will tell you that I am writing this on January 17th at 12:39 a.m. It took me this long to put it down in words.
Sincerely,
Eric"
That's what I am feeling..in a nutshell. And that..post one is done.
posted by Eric at 10:11 PM
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