Are We Gonna Hug Now?

So Alica came to the show yesterday with Rebecca May in tow. I heard them laugh a couple times..and atleast 4 times during To Each His Dulcinea I found myself starring in their direction telling our story. After the show she came up to me and said, "Very well done Mister Bridges." then there were a few awkward moment and she gave me a hug. When got home last night I got an email from her that said the following.
"Just wanted to reiterate that your performance was lovely this afternoon... not that I expected anything less from you. I hope that your success with this role earns you a chance at future opportunities... you have many gifts, Eric.

Alicia"

It's sad that we went from laughing all the time and about a week away from I Love You's to formal letters to tell eachother we did a good job in something. But believe it or not..I am extremely happy today. Nothing is gonna ruin this mood. I'll blog later.

Unbelievably Awkward

So Alicia responded to the letter. It was basically a too little, too late response...which is what I was expecting. She and Colin are in full swing relationship now. It sucks..but that's ok. She and I talked on IM today..about how awkward our conversation was. The conversation ended with her saying, "So, how bout them yankees?" and me saying "So...Let's just terminate this conversation before we resort to the weather." Basically all we managed to do is to point out how awkward things are and that we both hate that they are this awkward..but what do you expect when two people break up and one of them still has feelings for the other but she moves on to another guy about a week after the break-up. Things are bound to be a little awkward. I don't know what's going to happen when I see Colin..I sense a great swelling of anger and resentment...but I am sure I will find out soon. The conversation was nowhere near as awkward as the other day when Rachel made a comment about them Colin and Alicia procreating. Everyone in the room feel silent and looked at me to see what my reaction to that comment was going to be. Then I got a few pats on the back for not even wincing..much. Oh well. I'll blog next time something that I can't put on my other blog comes up. Later

So I Sent It...Get Off My Back

I sent the letter. I am actually feeling pretty good about that. Even though in no scenerio is that going to be a good thing most likely. Either she will drop Colin..which will make me feel like crap cause..just cause, or she will not drop Colin and hate me cause..well...cause I'm an ass (I would hate me), or she will not drop Colin, choose not to hate me, and it will just be awkward as hell. I am glad to know that Rebecca May, Baily, Annie, and the lot don't hate me. That's good to know. Well..I am done. Don't know if I am even going to post in here anymore. I may. Here's what I will do..when I post in this..I will..leave a hint in the other one. Like..a..I'll end it with I'll blog later! instead of I'll blog later. Notice the difference in punctuation. Yeah..that's it.

Me..Unsensored

So..this is a blog where I can type all my...feelings. The things I am trying to move out of my other blog. I am working on it. I miss Alicia..everyone knows I miss her. I know that ending things when I did was the thing to do..because...well..it was. BUT IT WASN'T. The more I say that the more I think it was a cop out cause I was scared. Scared of everything. I really liked..no..present tense..like her. I am almost positive that she has moved on..but that's how things go. I screwed up..cause well..as a screw up that's what I do. I wrote her an email tonight...one that I will most likely never send. I keep aluding to things on the other blog..but not just flat out saying them. I don't know what to do...and that's all I know. Except that I miss her. Here is the letter. Might as well publish it here.

"Alicia,

O.K. have a few things to say and every time I try to say them to you..I freeze up. I am really sorry I screwed everything up. I am a screw-up by nature. I really do care about you. I may have taken ending what we had for me to realize that..but it is true. I have been physically sick for a week...but I have been emotionally sick since December 30th. When we had our conversation that night you asked me why I was sad, I told you it was because I didn't want to hurt you..well that is true, but I think I was more sad because deep down I knew I was doing something I was going to regret. I freaked out. I took the easy road out. I didn't want to disappoint you..I didn't want to end up hurting you more. Yes, things are complicated. Yes, I don't know what I want. Yes, there were things about what we had that annoyed me. The only thing I know now is I miss you. I miss being with you. I miss knowing you are there. I miss our nights huddled in my car. I miss us. I know this is incredibly over dramatic and stupid...but..that's me too. I wasn't going to tell you any of this. I was just going to let wounds heal and watch you go to California in a few months and everything would eventually just..be gone..but I think I care about you too much to not tell you what's going on in my head. I may not even send this email. I don't know. I do know that you have crossed my mind every single day for the past 3 months. I don't know if you've moved on. I think you may have. If you have then I am happy for you. Disregard this email and move on with your life. Things will move on...I'll be fine. I think that is about all there is to say. I will tell you that I am writing this on January 17th at 12:39 a.m. It took me this long to put it down in words.

Sincerely,
Eric"

That's what I am feeling..in a nutshell. And that..post one is done.